Acceptance
by Ski dreamer
Summary: Molly's thoughts on how she is settling in since deployment and her changing relationship with 2 Section - most notably with Captain James.
1. Chapter 1

**I haven't attempted to write Molly's thoughts in Cockney as it was taking so long to figure out how she would say it!**

**All rights belong to Tony Grounds and the BBC.**

I'm not sure where the time has gone, it's already New Year and we've been in the FOB since the end of October. To say I was terrified and homesick back then is an understatement. I hated that time. I realise now that I must have made a fool of myself what with my big mouth and my stupid jokes. I think I over compensated due to my lack of confidence and shock at finally being deployed to a war zone. My mouth just kept engaging before my brain. Although the lads would laugh, I do wonder whether they thought I was just some silly little tart who was completely clueless. It didn't help that Smurf told everyone about our shag behind the Indian takeaway on basic training.

I think Captain James disliked me then too. He seemed to really resent the fact that he'd been training with the Under 5's for months and then I was dumped on him out of the blue. I know he's only doing his job and he has to get us all home safely, but Jesus, he can be so nasty at times and boy can he shout!

I don't know if it is a girl thing or not but he did seem to take great delight in humiliating me back then. I still cringe at the memories of those first few days at Bastion when I mistakenly went into the male quarters (or Stags as he called it), and that first PT session when I turned up in shorts and trainers and the rest of the lads were in full combat gear. He stared at me for what seemed like ages with a look of complete contempt before he came out with, "I suppose we ought to be grateful that you're not wearing your stilettoes." A smirk then appeared on his face as if to say, "Point to James! I wonder how many I can get before we even arrive at the FOB." When he turned away, I'm sure he was biting his lip to stop himself from laughing.

Well, he didn't need to wait long for his next point. That first PT session was absolutely gruelling. I really thought I was going to have a "Julius Seizure" and they'd have to get me a medic. Wearing full gear on a 10k run and to top it all, he shouted, "Sprint the last 50." They all sprinted off leaving me trailing behind gasping for air then he made Smurf hit the deck before yelling at me to tell him what I'd do if his leg had been blown off. I just froze, I couldn't even speak I was so out of breath. The others kept looking at me then back to the Boss, as if to say, "Is this a joke or what?" He sounded so vicious when he shouted, "I hope we don't have the only medic who can't stand the sight of blood."

I can't tell you how much will power it took for me to stop the tears from falling. It felt like I had pins sticking in my eyes at that precise moment. The last thing I wanted was to cry in from of him. If I had, I'm sure he would have put me on the first plane back to Brize Norton. To think when I first saw him at Brize when he walked out for our platoon photograph, all cock sure, oozing confidence and sporting that commanding pose with his hips thrust forward, I couldn't believe how good looking he was! Christ, looks can be deceiving!

I'm glad to say that things seem to have turned around in the last couple of months since we deployed to the FOB. In spite of the scorching heat, the endless dust (that always seems to blow in just as I've washed my hair) and the constant patrols around the village and the mountain CP, I can honestly say I am now enjoying my time here. Once I had proved myself by saving Smurfs life not long after we arrived, I feel a lot more at home. The lads respect for me as a medic really kicked in that day, considering they had sent me to Coventry for apparently, "Grassing" on Smurf.

I have a sense of purpose that I've never known before and I'm getting on great with the rest of the Section. I'm not sure how Smurf will react when he comes back. He probably still thinks no one likes me! I feel like the lads are an extension of my own very noisy and dysfunctional family. They have hearts of gold and I know I can rely on each and every one of them to take care of me. Thank god I am used to noise though, they never shut up and sometimes even I have to sneak off to the med tent just to have a bit of peace from their testosterone charged banter.

Recently, I've been sitting on top of the shitter at night to look at the stars. I've never seen stars like them at home. The sky is so black here, not like London where it never seems to get really dark. I just sit there quietly and read my letters from Mum and Bella and reflect on how much my life has changed since joining the army.

If I hadn't puked that night outside the army careers office, I wonder what I'd be doing now. I'd probably still have that awful bleached hair, wearing clothes that left little to the imagination and having the odd one night stand or a boyfriend who had no respect for me who'd sleep around behind my back. Don't get me wrong, I will still enjoy dressing up and wearing makeup when I get the chance but I realise now that I need to be a little more subtle. What's that expression, "Less is more?" I've even got a little stash of makeup hidden in the med tent. I put a lick of mascara on for our Christmas dinner as 2 Section weren't scheduled to do any patrols that day but no one noticed. Well if they did they didn't say. Anyway, it made me feel better!

Even Captain James seems to have accepted that I am worth keeping. When I got back from Bastion after going up in the MERT with Smurf the day he got shot, he actually praised me and said I was proving myself and turning into an excellent medic. I had to lie and say I didn't hear his order not to go up on the winch. I don't know if he believed me or not but I got away with it. I even got a smile from him. I felt like I could fly at that moment. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to finally have the reward I'd been so desperate for. I even surprised myself that day. When the shit hit the fan and I really had to step up to the plate, I did it without hesitation. All my training kicked in and I saved Smurf, not before I almost got blown up in a bloody mine field though. That little Welsh Wanker owes me big time!

The Boss hasn't shouted at me for ages, I seem to have turned a corner with him. He jokes with me and we have both relaxed enough to have a bit of banter. He seems to enjoy my rhyming slang and I delight in the look of utter confusion on his face when he is trying to work out what I have just said. He does say that I can talk the hind end off a donkey and sometimes, when I have been banging on and on about Bashira and the girls not going to school, he tells me to, "Shut the fuck up Dawes." He does say it with a smile though. I think…..

As a CO, he is so imposing. He has this permanent frown of concentration etched on his face when he is giving orders or leading an operational exercise and is always so professional. He doesn't take any shit but do you know what, we've all come to realise that he is a brilliant leader and would do anything for him. Don't get me wrong, he isn't all "Captain Stern Face," he's quite happy to arse around when the time is right and muck in when he has to. Not like some CO's who just sit on their arses and bark orders from the side lines. We trust him with our lives and we know he would do the same for us. That's how good a Captain he is. Do you think we've all got a serious case of hero worship!

Who'd have guessed that the Boss is my most regular patient at the moment with his blisters. I don't know what it is about his feet? No one else seems to suffer the way he does with his boots. He's in here more often than Mansfield Mike with his sun burnt ginger nut!

We've had some really lovely conversations when he comes in to have his blisters dressed. He asks me about my life at home, how I did at school (or not as the case may be), what my parents and brothers and sisters are like. He doesn't look down on me or judge me because I am not posh and well educated like him. He reckons that life is all luck; you can't choose who you are born to. He's always talking about Lady Luck looking down on us. I sure hope she is there when I need her.

I've started to see a different side to the Boss recently when we are on our own. When he relaxes, everything about him softens. He loses the frown and the lines on his forehead that go with it. His eyes lose that hard authoritative stare and they turn into pools of velvety liquid chocolate, just like the kind you see in chocolate fountains. His jaw seems less chiselled allowing his mouth to break into a dazzling smile showing off his (almost perfect) white teeth. His posture is less stiff and his voice takes on a soft and silky tone. He looks much younger like this and I feel quite amazed that he's allowed himself to become so comfortable with me. Not what I expected at all. I really like it though.

I haven't quite plucked up the courage yet to ask him questions about his life outside the army. I'm not sure if it's the done thing to ask your Captain personal questions. I can't work out whether he is married or if he has a partner. There's no wedding ring, he's never mentioned anyone and he doesn't seem to get a lot of post like the rest of us. I felt a bit sorry for him on Christmas day. He seemed a little lost. We'd finished our Dinner (we even had turkey and all the trimmings flown in from Bastion) and were all sitting around getting bored when Dangles said he'd get his keyboard out if anyone wanted to have a sing song. Dangles and I went to the Boss's tent to ask if he wanted to join us.

When he beckoned us to come in he was sitting on his bed reading a book. I had a sneaky look around and couldn't see much personal stuff like photos of a partner or kids. There was a ball of wrapping paper screwed up on his desk and a Christmas card. I said, "Present from home Sir?" and nodded towards his desk. He replied, "Oh, just a book from my mother (and waved the book he was reading in the air), and a few essentials. She seems to think we don't have showers here and is always sending me deodorant!" I replied, "Maybe you should start putting it on your feet and they wouldn't stink so much when you come in to have your blisters dressed, Sir." I'm sure his cheeks went a tiny bit pink. Could I have possibly made the great Captain James blush?! Maybe he isn't in a relationship after all if he's only getting cards and presents from his parents.


	2. Chapter 2

**Here is chapter 2. Sorry it has taken so long to update, real life unfortunately got in the way. It's rather long, but hope you enjoy. **

**As mentioned previously, I haven't attempted to write in Cockney, but hope you can feel what Molly is feeling even if those feelings are in my words.**

I'm confused. I've had a month of incredible highs, shattered by some appalling lows. I'm not just talking about the "job" or my ability as a medic either. It's my emotions. They are all over the shop and it's all down to a little girl and two men who are invading my mind, but for very different reasons.

Bashira has gone and it's my fault; taken away by the Afgan social services.

Smurf. Back now his injury has healed and he seems to think that because I saved his life, he has some god given right to follow me around like my very own guardian angel. He wants to be more than mates and he clearly regrets not getting in touch after that night in Guildford. I don't fancy him and I'm beginning to feel smothered by his constant attention.

Captain James. I've developed feelings for him that I hope I can put down to a silly crush. Feelings that I can treat as a frivolous fantasy and delight in the fact that I can get up in the morning knowing I have such a fine specimen of manhood to look at. Because let's face it, what woman in her right mind wouldn't fancy him? It's not as if it can go anywhere and he's not exactly going to look at me is he? The Boss is totally out of my league so as long as I can put these feelings in a box and not let them affect my work then I'll be fine.

The problem is; what if I can't? This is the first time in my life that I've had an opportunity to make something of myself and I'm not prepared to ruin it now by doing something stupid.

I'd never seen eyes like them and hope I never see them again for as long as I live. Bashira was pushed into the house by a man who I suppose was her father. His demonic eyes burned right into my very being with such hatred that I felt hypnotised for a moment. When I pulled myself together Bashira was already out of sight. I suddenly felt scared. I didn't know where I was. I looked around and didn't recognise the part of the village that I'd strayed into. I couldn't see any of the lads but so many pairs of eyes were on me that I started to panic.

"DAWES….. DAWES" he shouted.

I turned around and saw the Boss and was so relieved that he'd found me. But he was in such a rage and was screaming at me.

"Excuse me a second, when did Her Majesty die and make you Queen? "

"Sorry Sir, Bashira dropped her scarf and….." He was absolutely livid.

"So you thought you'd risk your life to pick it up, you are not in charge and you do not wander off on your own…"

"Sir I….."

"Do you realise how much danger you just put yourself in?"

"Sorry Sir it's just….."

"Don't fucking interrupt me Dawes."

Then his tone unexpectedly changed, it was softer and more measured when he said, "More importantly, you don't put yourself in jeopardy."

He looked at me and held my gaze for a moment longer than necessary then spun around and stormed off.

What happened there? He said it as if he cared. Not just for one of his soldiers, who despite his worst fears was okay, but for me, Molly Dawes. I ran after him but didn't want to get too close because I knew he hadn't finished with me. I was certain there would be another bollocking when we got back to the FOB.

When we got back Smurf was waiting for us. He was full of himself, asking if I wanted to; "cop a feel of his rusty bullet hole." He seemed quite miffed when the rest of the lads supported my plea that he should have been shot in the head! It dawned on him that things had changed whilst he was away and that I was indeed; "flavour of the month".

When we went to get a cuppa, he started to get all serious on me and said that if I ever needed him he'd be there for me. Smurf had such intensity about him that I'd never seen before and for once he wasn't joking. I couldn't help but laugh at him though because I was being distracted by Captain James in the gym area. I tried not to look over at him while Smurf was talking but it was impossible not to.

Why did he have to take his t-shirt off? He was standing there like an Adonis lifting makeshift weights. I'd often wondered what might be beneath that top but Christ it was better than the fantasy. Lovely broad shoulders tapering like a triangle down to his slim waist. Combats low slung on his hips revealing that feint line of hair up to his navel. Taut muscles everywhere but not bulging like a body builder, much more subtle. Pecs covered in a sprinkling of fine hair and a flat stomach with just a hint of a six pack. No fat, just toned, long and lean. God he's stunning.

He may be stunning but he hadn't forgotten about my little escapade earlier. After we'd all showered, he came into evening surgery to get his blisters dressed and was so serious, sitting there with his arms crossed when he asked me what I thought the Taliban might want to do to a female soldier who had wandered off on her own and had no cover from the rest of her Section. I mumbled something about kidnap and apologised again but he decided I should suffer the indignity of having it spelled out to me.

His eyes turned almost black when he hissed, "how about kidnap, torture, murder,….and rape."

He said how disappointed he was because I was developing into a really good soldier and could go far as a medic. I couldn't believe I had fucked up so badly but for him to be disappointed in me was heart breaking. I think he sensed that I was about to cry so he got up to leave, turned to me and said, "Dawes, we all make mistakes, the key thing is to make sure we learn from them." With that he looked me in the eye again and walked off. Then the floodgates opened.

We were patrolling the village as usual, Smurf and I sharing our usual banter when I noticed Bashira sitting on a bench at the back of some houses. She looked like she'd been crying and didn't rush up to me like she normally does. When I approached her and asked what was wrong, she told me that she was being sent away because she had been promised to a man. When the penny dropped and I realised what that meant, I felt sick to my stomach that an eleven year old girl could be married off. She is the same age as Bella for God's sake. The thought of some old guy stealing away her childhood disgusted me. How am I ever going to come to terms with their way of life?

My thoughts were interrupted by gunshots. I threw myself on the ground instinctively waiting for an order. When we were told the coast was clear, The Boss, Qaseem, Captain Azzizi and I went to the school where the shooting had taken place. The Taliban had gone in and fired. There were no casualties but Qaseem and Azzizi were talking to one of the village elders and they said it was because of the soldiers being here that they shot up the school as a threat because they didn't like the west interfering. This would no doubt stop the children coming back to school.

When we got back to the FOB, the Boss was handing out the mail. I got a letter from Bella but the funniest thing was the Boss got a paddling pool from his, "Mummy!" Wow I thought, I couldn't wait to see him lying in that. If he looks good lifting weights with his top off, just think how he's going to look semi naked, and wet! The mere thought of it left me feeling slightly damp with anticipation! After I'd calmed down I noticed that Sohail was giving us very strange disgusted and dismissive looks. I asked the Boss if he knew what was going on. He suggested we went to find out.

There was a bad atmosphere in Sohail's tent, he clearly didn't want me, a women in there. When the Boss asked if he knew anything about the shooting at the school, he denied it but it was clear that he thought our presence was only going to do harm and it would prevent the children going back to school. I couldn't stop myself getting on my high horse and started arguing with him about the girls not going to school when the Boss jumped in before I went too far and made us leave. On the way out, I told him that Bashira wouldn't stand a chance when everything goes back to normal.

He stopped abruptly and turned to face me and told me not to get, "In … fucking … volved …because I need you, … one hundred percent … by my side."

I told him I was 100% by his side but he said I couldn't be if I was worrying about an individual child. He locked eyes with me again before dismissing me. As I walked away, I turned back to see if he was still there and he was still looking at me. What the fuck is going on. Am I imagining this or does he indulge in prolonged eye contact with everyone in the section or is it just me?

We'd received intelligence that heavily armed insurgents were now controlling the areas around the village and the mountains so Captain James and Captain Azzizi cooked up a plan for us to set up a temporary base in a disused compound near the school so that the children could go back to school safely. 2 Section were dispatched to the village and I was ordered to set up a med centre in one of the rooms inside. Qaseem came in when I was setting up and I discovered that he'd been an English lecturer at a university in Kabul. He was acting as an interpreter for the British army because his wife and daughter had been killed by the Taliban when their apartment in Kabul was bombed. My heart went out to him, the poor man. While we were talking, we heard a woman crying and shouting in Pashto so went outside and discovered Bashira standing with her mother with a very nasty looking cut just above her eye.

Qaseem translated the woman's cries. She was asking for me to treat Bashira's eye but the Boss said I couldn't and she had to go to her own hospital for treatment. She carried on screaming and it became apparent that she was blaming me for interfering and Bashira getting knocked about by her father. I asked Captain James again and he repeated that it was not permitted for me to treat her. In one final attempt, I pleaded that if it was my fault, could I not at least clean the eye and assess the damage. He looked at me, paused, then relented. Thank god he did because Bashira told me that we mustn't go to the mountains the following day. I took that as a warning that something bad was going to happen.

When we got back to the FOB, I mentioned Bashira's warning to Smurf. He said we must tell the Boss because lives could be put in danger if I didn't.

Captain James was luxuriating in his paddling pool and was quite dismissive when we said we needed a word. I was disappointed that he was wearing his combats in the water. I so wanted him to be in his PT shorts! All kinds of smutty thoughts invaded my mind when I saw him lying there. My thoughts were disturbed by some of the lads who had decided to strip off and dive bomb him. It was hilarious seeing him jump out. However, he got distracted by a chopper coming in with the music corps who had been dispatched to entertain us. Everyone was disappointed because the Boss had been winding everyone up making us think that Prince Harry was coming.

After he'd got our visitors set up and they started playing, Smurf and I approached him and I blurted out the intel I'd received from Bashira. He suddenly focused up and practically frog marched us into the Op's tent to tell Major Beck, Qaseem and Azzizi what we knew. They decided the intel was credible and dismissed me and Smurf whilst they formulated a plan. Smurf and I hovered in the entrance to the Op's tent looking out at the music corps and the rest of the guys singing and dancing when Smurf came on all heavy again. When he tried to reassure me that I'd done the right thing, he tried to grab my hand. I flinched and pulled away. I was all over the shop worrying about what danger I might have put the rest of the Section in if we were going to the mountain to intercept an attack. My thoughts also turned to Bashira and wondered what might happen to her if anyone found out what she'd told me. The last thing I needed at that moment was Smurf getting all intense on me again.

Thank god Bashira had told me because the intel was spot on. We went to the mountain CP the next day and intercepted an attack.

The insurgents were holed up in an old store building a couple of hundred yards from the CP. It was all quiet when suddenly Kinders reported movement and a couple of insurgents came out and fired an RPG at us. It narrowly missed us so we began rapid fire on the store. Captain James requested air support from Zero and within a couple of minutes the fighter jets flew over and bombed the store. It was one of the most incredible things I have ever seen and the adrenalin was pumping so hard around my body I felt exhilarated. When the rush had subsided, we had the aftermath to deal with. Five dead insurgents and one badly injured. His leg was hanging off. My training kicked in again and I immediately treated him and he was medivaced to Bastion for treatment and no doubt interrogation if he survived. It was only when the chopper was flying away that the enormity of what had happened hit home. I felt guilty at my earlier exhilaration knowing that we had killed these men but had to reason with myself that they wouldn't have spared a thought for us. We were well and truly in a war zone.

Before we left I had to certify the insurgents as dead and put them in body bags. I was so convinced that Bshira's father would be one of them but he wasn't there. My heart sank. Captain James could see that I was disappointed not to have found Basira's father but consoled me with a, "well done, your work has been above and beyond today Dawes," and flashed me one of his killer smiles. I glanced over to where Smurf was standing and he gave me such a strange look as if he was jealous of the praise I'd just been given by Captain James.

When we got back to the FOB, I was re filling my med Bergen when Smurf came in to tell me there was a debrief with the Boss and Major Beck. I told him I was worried that I may have compromised Bashira's safety when he tried to hug me. I pushed him away with a light hearted numpty joke and went outside. When is he going to learn that I don't want this physical attention from him? It's beginning to feel really uncomfortable.

I got some serious praise from Major Beck. I was elated to be praised in front of the others knowing that my intel had resulted in the removal of six insurgents, one of which had survived. It was especially sweet seeing the smile and acknowledgement on Captain James' face as he looked at me. I was still floating when he brought me back down to earth with a crash. He'd only gone and volunteered me for the female part of the duet he was going to sing the following night as it was 2 Section's turn to lay on the entertainment. The lads were in stitches, there was obviously an in joke going on and I feared that a major stitch up was about to unfold.

It was way past midnight and I had been sitting on the shitter looking at the stars and reading my letter from Bella. It was such a beautiful night but my mind kept wandering back to Bashira and the danger I had probably put her in. When I finally decided to hit my pit, I walked past Captain James' tent and noticed his light was still on. He heard me and called me in. I mentioned that I was worried about Bashira and I was stunned when he told me that we did have a responsibility to make sure she was okay and that I should leave it to him. He then teased me a little and handed me the words to the duet. As he did so, he told me to "piss off Dawsey," I said, "you just called me Dawsey, I'm clearly winning you over with my charm and magnetism." He let out a real belly laugh and gave me the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen from him. As I walked away it struck me how much he has dropped his guard with me of late. My crush is starting to get out of hand. I am now day dreaming about him constantly and have been having some quite vivid and lurid thoughts. What the bleedin' hell am I going to do?

I was in the middle of a very deep sleep when I felt someone shaking me, saying "Dawes, Dawes, wake up, Op's tent now." I thought I was in a dream seeing the Boss kneeling next to my bed. I thought I must have over slept but when I got outside, I realised it was still dark. When I went into the Op's tent, the officers, Qaseem and some Afgan men were engrossed in a plan. It transpired that true to his word, Captain James had indeed taken matters into his own hands and had formulated a plan to have Bashira removed to a safe house and have Badrai, her father abducted. As I was the only one to have had eyes on Badrai, I was required to identify him. The mission was set for early the next morning. The Afgan men were, for all intent and purposes Afgan social services and they would take Bashira to a safe house in Kabul.

As I walked back to my tent, a sudden surge of emotion came over me. I felt quite weepy, not just because we were hopefully going to give Bashira a better life but the realisation that Captain James really did have a heart and had listened to my concerns about the girl. I could now see why the whole platoon had such admiration for him and held him in such high esteem. I definitely had a place in my heart for him now that I have seen this side of him and wondered if there would ever be a place in his heart for me.

Well, so much for well laid plans, it went completely tits up! When we stormed Badrai's house it was empty. No sign of Badrai or Bashira. Captain James and I looked at each stunned that that they had gone. I immediately panicked and wondered what could have happened to Bashira. Just as my heart was sinking further, Dangles suddenly came on the comms and said he had eyes on Bashira and she was in the village square. I felt so relieved but then Kinders came on and said something was very wrong and the locals were anxious. At that moment, my instinct was to get to Bashira as quickly as possible. The Boss and I ran.

When we got there, we stood about 20 feet away from her when Qaseem asked to lift her scarf up. I was horrified to see a suicide vest packed with explosives. Everyone around me was shouting and screaming at Bashira to keep still but she was completely terrified. I heard someone call for bomb disposal and to block all signals but then a sudden calmness took over me and I took off my helmet and slowly walked towards Bashira. I vaguely heard Captain James scream for me to come back but all I could think of was to keep her calm so that she wouldn't move. I approached her and very calmly reassured her that she would be okay. I don't know how long I was there before bomb disposal arrived. After they had removed the vest I slowly made my way back to the others then the bomb exploded. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a pickup truck speeding off with Bashira in it. That was the last I saw of her.

We all just stood there not really knowing what to do. Looks of disbelief etched on faces. The air was thick with dust and silent bewilderment when the reality of what had just happened finally sunk in. When we finally started to pull ourselves together I expected another bollocking from the Boss for disobeying his order not to go near Bashira. When I turned to face him, he stood covered in thick dust and debris looking dazed for a moment before rubbing his eye. He called for Kinders to check that the rest of the Section were okay and to prepare to get everyone back to the FOB. His back straightened and he said in his Captains voice, "Dawes – I need you to look at my eye."

We walked back to the temporary med station that I'd set up earlier and braced myself for the onslaught but it never came. Captain James sat down and said that he thought there was something in his eye. I got some eye wash and drops from my bergen. I asked him to tip his head back and I put one hand on his forehead and the other on his cheek so that I could have a look. It was a little bloodshot and I could see a few specs of dust but it didn't look serious. I probably left my hands on his face for longer than necessary but it felt so lovely being able to touch him. It made my stomach churn from the warmth that he generated. I'd only ever touched his stinky feet before!

I had to lean into him to administer the eye wash with my legs pressing against his and my stomach and chest pressing against his arm and shoulder. It felt so intimate being this close to him that it took every ounce of strength not to lean in further and kiss him. I'm sure I was blushing from the sheer thrill of it all but guessed if I had as much dust on me as he did then he would hardly notice. As usual, to hide my nerves, I cracked some silly joke about only just being able to spare the eye drops because it was him. We chatted about Bashira and I asked where she'd been taken. He said he, "didn't know and didn't care" I said he was heartless and he replied that he, "didn't get emotionally involved."

When I leaned in again to put the eye drops in he started shaking. I wondered if the warmth of our two bodies being forced together could have been as thrilling for him as it was me. I paused for a moment to get a grip, took a deep breath and sat down and asked if he was okay because I could see that he was shaking and suggested that he may be suffering from shock. I wanted him to know that I had felt it to give him an opportunity to say something. I instinctively put my hand on his arm as much out of reassurance as anything else. He looked down for a moment without speaking then looked me right in the eye before saying that he thought he'd lost me today and he would never have forgiven himself if I'd been killed. We talked about lady luck shining down on us then our eyes locked again and we sat smiling at each other for what seemed like hours before Kinders came in and said the lads were ready to go. If only he knew what those beautiful chocolate eyes did to my insides.

I was dreading the duet. Yes I'm gobby, constantly taking the piss and having a laugh but that's all an act to cover my own insecurities. Getting up on a stage with everyone looking at me was a completely different ball bag. What could I do, I couldn't chicken out. I decided that if I was going to sound like a strangled cat I may as well try to look my best and maybe they wouldn't notice my terrible voice. When we got back from the village I showered and washed my hair and got ready for the evening entertainment.

I was technically off duty so decided for once I'd wear my hair down and apply a little make up. I used some bronzer to even out my tan, a touch of eye liner and mascara to define my eyes and to finish, a clear lip gloss. The next dilemma was what to wear. I only had my West Ham top (but I'd been sleeping in that) and a couple of vests that I mainly use to walk back from the shower. I went for a black vest and decided to go with my combats. A pretty cool look I thought. If only I could've had a vodka to calm my nerves!

I had such a brilliant evening. The new look caused a reaction too. Smurf's jaw almost hit the deck and his eyes nearly popped out. He gawped at me with such intensity. I felt bad that he still thinks there is a chance for us even though I have told him I don't want to be more than friends. Everyone was singing and dancing and having a great time. Each time I glanced over to where he was standing, I got the feeling that he was jealous of my interaction with the Boss. I'm not surprised Smurf might have been jealous. I couldn't keep my eyes off Captain James.

It was as if I was in a bubble, standing on the stage with him. I was so nervous my legs were shaking but when he looked at me and smiled, one of his killer smiles that lit up his whole face, eyes twinkling and teeth sparkling it had such a relaxing effect on me. There was so much warmth in that smile it was as if he knew I was shitting myself and did what he could to get me through it. Whenever he held the mic out to me, I gripped onto his forearm or hand and it sent a shiver down my spine. When he winked at me my stomach did somersaults, I couldn't work out if it was just a friendly gesture or if it was his way of being intimate with me. He looked so happy that night. I'm sure I caught him looking at by boobs at one point too. I suppose the vest did cling to all the right places! I certainly had sweet dreams that night.

Well I've failed. For the last few weeks I've really tried to keep a lid on my feelings but I can't. I've never experienced anything like this and I'm emotionally drained. I've got Smurf lusting after me. I have told him that I don't want to go out with him and really value him as a friend but can he accept that this is all I can offer him? I think men find it very difficult to be just friends with women without wanting more. I do really like him but with my true feelings lying elsewhere, I can't be doing with his constant puppy dog eyes and getting all touchy feely.

In the past, my relationships with men have really just been physical. Of course I've liked guys before but there's never been anything more than lust. Probably because they were never particularly nice to me or showed me much respect. It was all take and no give. It's now gone beyond just a physical attraction with Captain James. I suppose when you are in such close proximity to someone you are attracted to and you know you can't have them you cling to anything else that fills the void.

It's been like a voyage of discovery when you realise that what really attracts you to a person is more than the sum of the body parts and believe me, he has some pretty damn fine body parts! There's his courage, his devotion not only to his men but also to the army. I've definitely seen more of his humour than I thought, he is very quick witted and gives me a run for my money. I also love how self assured he is, his confidence seems to be boundless and he always knows what to do. The other thing that I realise now is that he has a willingness to get the best out of me. Yes he's been tough on me, sometimes to the point of breaking me, but I realise now that he's doing it to make me a better soldier, a better medic and a better person. No one has ever invested their time and energy into me like he has before.

Despite what he says about not getting emotionally involved, there is no doubt in my mind that he is, even if he doesn't know it. How can he deny it when he is emotionally involved with every member of the Platoon? After suffering the loss of Smurf's brother, it is obvious that he cares very deeply that every one of them gets home safely and would put his life on the line for every one of us. He clearly cared enough about Bashira to instigate a plan to have her removed to a safe house to avoid the battering she was getting from her father. Wasn't that the right decision when the bastard strapped a suicide vest to her?

It is all of these qualities that I have come to respect and admire. But is it more than respect and admiration? I find myself wanting to get into his mind, understand what he is thinking, what he feels; learn from him. I've got so many thoughts running around in my head that sometimes I feel as if I'm going to be sick. I'm finding it difficult to eat and sleep. Is this what love is? I've never been in love before; but I think I am falling in love with Captain James.

The scary thing is I suspect he may have feelings for me too after everything that has happened in the last few weeks. I am certain that his attitude towards me has changed but have his feelings? That's a completely different ball bag. He's not actually given me any obvious signs so is he just being friendly when his looks linger for a moment too long, his repeated visits to have his blisters checked that should have healed long ago and his worry and concern for my safety that seems to be stronger than for the rest of the section.

It would never work, me and him, so I don't know why I'm thinking about it. Our backgrounds are poles apart. He's a public school Rupert who in the real world is probably surrounded by women wearing twin sets and pearls who have cleaners and gardeners. Then there's me who lives in a shabby council flat, a dad who drinks his benefits and so many kids running around you don't notice if you've lost one.

What a mess. I've got Smurf wanting me, and me wanting Captain James. But what do I do about it? I can't say anything. If I'm wrong and say something to him, he'll probably have me transferred out of the Platoon. Even if I'm right, would he really confess? I'm not sure if he would. And even if he did, what could we do about it. There's no way on earth he would act on his feelings, not while we are out here anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

**So this one pretty much follows Episode 3. It's another long one because they packed so much in! All again from Molly's POV.**

**All rights to the BBC and Tony Grounds.**

I needed to win the race. I had to get away from here, from him. I needed time to breath, sort my head out and I couldn't do it if I was going to see him every day.

I looked at the obstacle course again. The Cockwombles assumed because I was a girl, I would be useless but there was nothing too difficult. I'd worked out that it wasn't strength that was needed to post a fast time, it was agility, fast feet and a low centre of gravity. I had all three. The course didn't suit big bulky squaddies, that's why Smurf probably won his semi -final.

Captain James told us that he could start sending us home on mid tour R and R; two at a time for two weeks each. To make it fair, the NCO's from each section devised an obstacle course with the winners of each semi-final bagging the prize. I suppose the only down side was that if I won, I'd have to spend the entire journey back to Brize with Smurf giving it large. I'd have to manage him carefully but I couldn't think of that now, I just needed to win that bloody race.

So I did it, much to everyone's surprise, I won. It was lovely being held aloft and cheered by the rest of 2 Section wearing mini mouse ears, their pride intact having two winners beating 1 and 3 Sections. Smurf was chuffed for obvious reasons. The Boss was cheering for me from the side lines and had the cheek to shout, "Come on Dawes, have some human decency and put some bloody effort in." Human decency I thought; if you had any human decency you wouldn't keep blowing hot and cold on me all the time. I don't know whether I'm coming or going anymore. When I won, I shouted back at him, "Not wearing my stilettos now, am I Sir?" He gave me an embarrassed smirk. Point to Dawes!

I needed to shower and pack but all the showers were taken so I decided to have my breakfast first. I was making my way to the stage so I could sit in peace in the sun when I noticed Sohail gesturing towards me then to his mate looking as if he was swearing.

I was muttering under my breath when someone dipped a spoon in my bowl. I supposed it was Sohail so I turned and swore but jumped when I realised it was Captain James. "Sorry Boss, thought you were Sohail."

"What, you wouldn't share your breakfast with Sohail?"

"No way! I'm not letting him dip his spoon in my coco pops!"

"I take it that's not a euphemism Dawes?" I didn't have a clue what he was talking about but I played along.

He continued to tease me and we laughed when we were distracted by Captain Azzizi calling urgently for the Boss.

I finished my breakfast deep in thought about his behaviour and questioned my own sanity and his motives. Would he dip his spoon in Smurfs bowl I wondered? Of course he wouldn't. Does he realise what he's doing, does he care what the others think? He's playing a dangerous game whether he realises it or not. I'm glad I'm going away. We need some time apart. I thought Afgan had fragged my head, but this has fragged me more.

I was dragged from my thoughts when I heard Captain James shout, "I'm gonna need a medic."

I nearly didn't get home that day. It transpired that the night patrol at the mountain CP failed to check in that morning. They had always reported in without fail. I could see the distress on Captain Azzizi's face. He knew something terrible had happened and he was right. 2 Section joined the ANA special forces and dispatched to the CP straight away. I encountered the most horrific sight. Lying before me were four dead ANA soldiers. I was heartbroken to discover that one of them was my mate Rolex boy. It looked like they had all been shot point blank. Probably green on green. It was carnage.

Qaseem asked me to confirm death. I couldn't bring myself to do it, but he became firm and urged me. I had to get it over with as quickly as possible. I looked at Rolex boy again feeling for his pulse. He was still slightly warm but I guessed that was because he'd been lying in the sun. There definitely wasn't a pulse. He looked so young. He couldn't have been much older than Bashira. I know I was upset over Bashira being taken away but at least she was alive.

I walked away. I had to let the others sort the body bags out. I couldn't get involved. I sat on a rock and watched as they were loaded onto the back of a truck, Captain Azzizi was distraught. Smurf was wittering on about whether we'd still get home. At that moment, I didn't really care. I watched the Boss trying to console his comrade. There was so much warmth in the look he gave Captain Azzizi as he reached out to touch his shoulder in condolence. He really is a lovely man. I suddenly regretted my desire to go home.

We got back to the FOB and Kinders told us that a chopper was due at 13:30 and we had to be on it if we were to connect with a flight back to Brize Norton later that evening.

I had a shower and washed my hair. I wanted rid of Afgan from my hair, my body and my soul. I went back to the med tent to get ready. Normally, it is so noisy when everyone is around but today, there was a serenity to the camp. I think everyone felt the loss of the ANA soldiers keenly.

I was towel drying my hair deep in thought when I sensed movement behind me. I looked around and saw Captain James. He looked embarrassed to see me in my vest and shorts with wet hair. At that moment I couldn't care less. All I could think about was Rolex boy and Bashira. He said "the replacement medic was on her way." I didn't comprehend what he was saying I was so lost in my thoughts. He said, "You're going home." I pulled a face and said "oh." He seemed concerned at my melancholy mood and asked what was wrong. I was so upset, I blurted out my distress over Rolex boy's death and my concern for Bashira and my need to sort it all out. He told me not to think too much, do the job you're bloody good at and we'd be home by Christmas.

He became a bit sheepish when he said he had a request. He approached me and knelt down beside me as I sat on my bed with my legs tucked under me. He got a pen out of his pocket and grabbed my wrist as he said, "London, Nespresso shop on Regent Street." Then he wrote Rosabaya on my arm. "Go and buy me some Rosabaya coffee capsules and I will adore you for always" and he smiled still holding my wrist. I was stunned but managed to say "always Sir?" and he let out a nervous laugh.

Then he reached for my hand and very gently entwined my fingers in his. There was a hushed silence as we continued to stroke each other's hands. He's got lovely hands. Although they are big, they are not like builders shovels with fat knobbly fingers. They were soft with long elegant fingers. I could only imagine what such lovely hands could do to me, where his fingers could explore.

He looked at me with such longing and said, "come back to me." I replied, "don't worry, I will." We were lost in the intimacy of the moment when we were disturbed by Kinders shouting "Oi, Bossman…" Captain James suddenly jumped up putting distance between us, hands in pockets shaking his head regaining his composure and said, "hand over with temp medic, get your kit packed." With that he turned and left looking horribly embarrassed.

I just stood there not knowing what to think. I had to pinch myself because I thought I was dreaming. "That did just happen?" I said to myself. "It definitely did." At last, he finally opened himself up to me. I knew I wasn't imagining it. Bloody Kinders; I could kill him.

Fuck it, why did I have to win that sodding race. I didn't want to go home. I needed to stay and sort it out once and for all. We needed to finish the conversation; but what conversation? It was a conversation without words. What else would he have said if we hadn't been interrupted?

I heard the chopper in the distance so I put my kit on, gathered my bags and walked out. I was ambushed by the lads throwing their requests for Marmite, boxer shorts and eye drops at me. I walked to the inner gate before the doors opened. Something wasn't right, where was Sohail? I turned and the Boss was standing there looking awkward. He said Sohail had gone AWOL. There was much speculation about his motives and whether he was Taliban. Captain James berated Smurf for saying he should have shot him on day one. Smurf exited the outer gates shouting "suckers" back at everyone. I started to follow but something pulled me back. I couldn't go, I didn't want to leave him, not now.

I turned and said "I can't go, what if something happens, you might gonna need a medic." Captain James walked towards me and said, "I might gonna already got one."

"But she ain't me."

"Dawes" he cried, his lovely brown eyes looked anguished as he ordered me to go. He made a feeble excuse about needing his bloody coffee.

I boarded the chopper and looked across at him. He was rooted to the spot, hands on hips and didn't leave until we were out of sight.

The journey home didn't fill me with any optimism that Smurf had got the hint about us being just friends. In fact, he behaved as if we were already going out. All I wanted was to sleep but I kept having flashbacks and dreaming about Rolex boy and Bashira. He could see I was in a vulnerable state and I think he tried to take advantage of it. He kept wanting to touch me and said he was looking forward to meeting my parents. The thing is, I really did want someone to talk to. Why couldn't he just listen? My mind wondered back to Captain James. I bet he'd be a good listener.

When we got to Brize, I met Smurf's mum. She was lovely and insisted she gave me a lift. It was quite an emotional journey. She kept talking about Geraint dying and how terrified she was when she got the phone call about Smurf being shot. I really liked Candy, but the atmosphere was more than I could take right then so when we got to a service station, I said I was going to take a train the rest of the way. Anything to get away from their misery.

Time back with my family wasn't all it was cracked up to be either. There was a peculiar atmosphere in the house. Mum had a new friend called Shazza (not like any Shazza I'd ever met) who worked at the kids primary school and was encouraging mum to take up a job as a teaching assistant. She kept saying that Shazza thought she had potential. I nearly slapped Shazza when she kept going on about the army, 7/7 and Afganistan and that she had been on "the march." What the fuck did she know.

Why was mum having all these grand ideas? She's got even less GCSE's than me, five kids at home and a lazy bastard of a husband. How could she get a job with that lot in tow?

I had been in a war zone 24 hours earlier where the kids barely had enough to eat or shoes on their feet and girls are treated like second class citizens. I get home to Bella wasting food, kids arguing over which X Box game had gone missing and dad wondering when he could get out for his next pint. It wasn't going to plan.

I wished I could have been back at the FOB. I do love my Mum, Nan and the little bleeders but my section was my family now. Where were they when I needed them! Well, one of them was in Newport. I wondered if he was feeling the same way as I felt.

I called Smurf and he told me that he was just sitting in his room not doing anything wishing he was back in Afgan too. He asked if I would visit him. I thought for a moment, worrying that he'd get the wrong idea. I'd have to be careful not to raise his expectations but agreed to go.

Well I actually had a good time. The best bit was when he took me to Laugharne, on the Taf estuary. It was where his brother's ashes had been scattered. I was a bit weary at first, I don't do the countryside normally but it was beautiful and really did feel special. I think my opinion was swayed when he said Captain James had been there. Dylan Thomas, a famous poet lived in the boathouse set right over the water and did most of his writing there. Smurf said that the Boss had read some of his poetry when Geraint was scattered. I asked what he had read. When he started reciting it I closed my eyes and imagined Captain James standing with us reading.

"We are not wholly bad or good

Who live our lives under milk wood

And thou, I know, wilt be the first

To see our best side, not our worst."

It was really beautiful. I could imagine the Boss loving this place. I felt really emotional and had tears in my eyes. Smurf talked more about how the Boss knew all about Dylan Thomas and how there was so much more to the Bossman than I would ever believe. I really wanted to know more but thought better of it.

I decided Smurf should come back to London with me before we headed back to Afgan. I showed him some of the sites and asked him what he was going to do with his deployment money. He said he was going to blow the bloody lot in Vegas and that he wanted me to go with him, I don't know what possessed me but I agreed.

I had a really good chat with mum. I reflected on the changes that had happened in my life and I felt guilty that I had pissed on her dream about getting a job at the school. Why shouldn't she have a chance to make something of herself, I was given an opportunity and took it. I wouldn't change anything now. I told her that you can have a friend like Shazza who believes in you who you never thought you'd be friends with and the differences just disappear, and just being with them makes you happy. She asked who was holding my hand. I let her believe it was Smurf. I didn't want to tell her the truth.

Smurf got on really well with my family, probably because we come from similar backgrounds. They all assumed we were an item! On our last day, I left Smurf playing with the kids so I could go up west to Regent Street. I had an important purchase to make at the Nespresso shop.

I was on the chopper going back to the FOB; going back to him. I was so excited I thought I was going to burst.

As I walked through the gate, I was jumped on by the lads looking for their orders. I looked around and couldn't see Captain James. Then I spotted him running from the watchtower. My heart was pounding in my chest and missed a beat when he approached me. I said, "Alright Boss?" He replied "Alright Dawes?" I could tell he was anxious because he had his thumbs hooked into his flak jacket tapping them nervously. He just stared but it wasn't a warm look, it was cold and distant. He told me I had to double away and handover with the temp medic as the chopper was waiting. What was going on?

Maybe he'd had time to reflect whilst I was away and realised that what he was doing was totally unprofessional and resolved to knock whatever it was on the head before anything actually started.

I had to tell myself to get a grip. How could he say anything in the middle of the FOB with all of the lads around? I was being pathetic.

What would I say anyway? I guessed I'd have to wait and see what he said. I had his coffee so that offered an opportunity to start a conversation if things were a bit awkward between us.

Awkward? Christ what an understatement. Once the lads had found out that I'd been to Newport, and Smurf to London, they'd obviously got the impression that we were now more than mates. Smurf, already living the dream himself did little to quash the speculation.

I went to do a handover with Jackie and found that Mansfield Mike had cut his forehead trying to cut gangster nicks into his eye brows. We were creased up laughing when the Boss came in. Jackie left and we were finally alone. I immediately took the opportunity to tell him how glad I was to be back, that things had been difficult at home and I needed to come back to "normal." He instantly softened and asked if I was really glad to be back. I made a joke about noticing that he'd not had his blisters checked by Jackie for the entire two weeks and he cheekily suggested that I could give them a once over later. Busted I thought! I knew he was using his blisters as an excuse to see me. They couldn't be that bad if he hadn't got Jackie to check them once whilst I'd been away.

Everything fell to shit when Kinders burst in on us announcing that I'd been to Newport. "Been to Newport?" Captain James asked. I just froze. I knew instantly he was pissed off. His face twisted, his eyes left mine with a look of disgust as he stomped out.

I charged out of the tent to find out what the hell Smurf had done. When he said he'd told everyone that we'd just hung out, he said it with such a salacious smirk that I knew right then that he truly believed himself that we were more than friends and was happy for everyone else to believe it too. He denied it of course. I repeated that I didn't want to go out with him and questioned why he couldn't just accept being my mate.

His reply was four simple words that completely floored me, "Because I love you."

My head was spinning, I wanted to throw up. I had to get to Captain James to explain. He was in the Op's tent with the Major so I waited until he came out. He walked straight past me. I pleaded with him to believe me that nothing happened with Smurf but he was having none of it. "What are you telling me for?" He wouldn't even look at me. I asked if this was the end and he spun around and said we're leaving at 0600 and I'd better be packed. Fucking hell, Captain Stern Face had nothing on this character.

Everyone was packing up the equipment in the FOB onto the trucks. We were leaving in a convoy the following morning so I went into my tent to pack.

I cautiously looked out and saw that Captain James was in the watchtower taking the sunset shift. I looked at my watch and realised that he would be relieved by the ANA in ten minutes. If I was quick, I figured that I would have time to take his coffee over to his tent and leave it there for him. Hopefully then, he'd realise that I had been thinking of him whilst I was away.

I pulled back the flap of his tent and sneaked in. I put the coffee capsules, tied with a red ribbon, on his pillow. I stood for a moment and closed my eyes. I could smell him. That heady masculine mixture of soap, sweat and deodorant made my breath catch in my throat.

I made my way to the Mastiff the next morning. I wanted to take one last look around the FOB before I got on. Just as my eyes scanned to the med tent, he walked towards me. He looked at me with such intensity my legs nearly buckled.

The convoy of trucks left, passing through the village. Everyone seemed happy when they saw the kids going to school but when I said that it was just the boys, the Boss said it had nothing to do with us any more, it was down to the ANA. I was gutted. What a waste of time.

I couldn't believe how much he was brooding. It was obvious that he was jealous about Smurf and me spending our R&R together. Captain James, our tower of strength who always knows what to do, who doesn't get emotionally involved, was sulking like a little boy who didn't get his own way. Who would have thought it? Even though I'd promised to come back to him, he didn't believe I had. Instead he assumed that I had chosen Smurf over him.

I needed to explain the only reason I spent time with Smurf was because I couldn't get Afgan out of my head, I kept having flashbacks and nightmares. I knew I was playing with fire and there was a chance Smurf would misinterpret my actions but he was the only person who understood, who listened, who felt what I was feeling. I tried to talk to Mum and Nan but how could they understand?

The Mastiff ground to a shuddering halt. Smurf came on the radio and said there was a sheet in the road with blood on it held down by stones. If there was blood on it, then there was probably a body under it. I needed to get out there so I looked at the Boss and said I was ready. After 2 hours on the road, he finally looked at me, and said "Dawes, you come with me."

When we got out, I assumed he would send one of the lads out with the Vallon to search for IED's but he chose to do it himself. I wanted to scream at him, "What the hell are you doing? You need to stay back in case something happens; we need YOU in command if it all goes wrong." Anything could happen when he gets to that sheet. It dawned on me why he was doing it. We were so close to the end of the tour that he'd decided to risk his own life to protect his men because there was no way he was going to lose a man now that we were within spitting distance of Bastion and the relative safety it offered.

He said "I'll investigate, you wait out until I call you in." He started walking away from me. I couldn't stand it, what if he was blown up in front of my eyes. I needed to clear the air, I needed him to understand that nothing happened with Smurf and to tell him how I felt. I would rather us be killed together knowing we'd sorted everything out.

My legs were shaking, my feet rooted to the ground beneath me. Then suddenly, I felt like a rope was attached to me pulling me forward towards him. I barely heard Smurf calling me back but I didn't care. When I reached him, he turned and asked me if I had a death wish. I said, "Maybe."

He continued sweeping with the Vallon looking ahead.

"Anyway, it's good to spend some quality time together.

"Is that why you're risking your neck?" I wasn't getting anywhere with him.

"Nothing happened with Smurf, but at least now I know"

"Know what….."

"Well I never thought you'd look at someone like me, I thought you were out of my league."

He hesitated and asked "what are you trying to say Dawes?"

"I'm fond of you sir and I wanted to tell you incase we get to that sheet and someone detonates it and we're blown to smithereens."

"Well let's continue this conversation when we're back to Brize Norton shall we."

" Isn't love stronger than army regulations?"

"Nothing is stronger than army regulations." He inched forward concentrating on his task.

I don't know what possessed me then, to ask him, " Do you love me?"

He stopped dead in his tracks and turned to me with his mouth open, shocked and bewildered. He composed himself and was just about to speak when a hand came out from under the sheet and grabbed the Valllon. We pulled the sheet back and found Sohail lying there covered in blood.

Sohail had been badly beaten by the Taliban for not betraying us. I did what I could for him but he was in a bad way. Once he'd been medevac'd to Bastion, we had to resume our convoy. It was torture. I'd just bared my sole to Captain James and I hadn't had a reply because of Sohail's untimely interruption. I had to spend the next three hours wondering if, or when, he was going to say something; anything to me.

For three hours he didn't look at me. He just sat there looking at the floor, elbows on thighs clasping and unclasping his hands. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Why couldn't he just look at me and give me some sort of sign. A smile, a nod, something to acknowledge what I'd asked of him. Even if it was negative, a shake of the head or a thumbs down; anything would have been better than absolutely nothing.

When we finally arrived at Bastion, Kinders told us to fall in and follow him to our quarters. Captain James disappeared without looking at me. Once I'd dumped my kit, I decided to make my way over to the hospital to see Sohail. When I got there, the Boss was already there. Shit I thought; this was going to be awkward.

There was an American nurse monitoring Sohail, she said there wasn't much hope for him but they'd try their best. Sohail woke up and he managed to tell us that the reason he had been beaten was because he refused to kill ME. My world collapsed around me. I don't know how I didn't throw up at that very moment. I stood there legs shaking with silent tears rolling down my cheeks. Just then, the alarms on Sohail's monitors sounded, he was crashing.

They wheeled his bed away and I was left looking at Captain James who was scratching his head not knowing what to say or do. He came over to me, stared into my eyes and cupped my face with both hands wiping away my tears with his thumbs. He very gently laid his forehead on mine and whispered, "Don't worry, I won't let them hurt you." It was so comforting to finally make contact. We stood there for a while when I pulled back, looked into his tear filled eyes, and plucked up the courage to ask if we could talk. He cleared his throat nervously and said "of course Molly, I owe you that much after what I've put you through."

He told me he needed to find somewhere private for us to talk and maybe I should freshen up while he did so and he would send for me in a while.

**A/N: The next chapter will be my take on what happened between Episodes 3 and 4 where they did indeed chat about their feelings.**


	4. Chapter 4

**This is my interpretation of the conversation we never saw after episode 3. **

**Bearing in mind Molly had declared her fondness for him; I thought it high time CJ did most of the talking. **

**Thanks for the reviews. As a first time author, I probably would have knocked it on the head without them. **

**Thanks also to the ladies on Mumsnet who gave me a mention the other day. High Praise indeed!**

The suspense was killing me. Why couldn't we find somewhere in the hospital to talk for Christ sake and get it over with.

Kinders came looking for me about an hour later and said I had to go to Major Beck's office. Sohail had died and there were some formalities that needed taking care of. I had to give Captain James details of the medical treatment I'd administered at the roadside so he could complete a report that would be given at an inquest into Sohail's death.

I wondered if it was true but was happy to play along if it kept everything above board.

I knocked on the door and he let me in. He looked as nervous as hell and was sweating. He told me to sit down. There was a small sofa big enough for two but he chose to stand.

He took a deep breath, ran his fingers through his hair and started pacing up and down. Finally he spoke.

"Molly I can't tell you how sorry I am for being such a prat. My behaviour has been absolutely despicable. If I had half the courage and strength that you have, I would never have let it go this far. I appreciate now that I have been giving you so many mixed signals that you probably didn't know whether you were coming or going and for that I am truly sorry." He paused, frowning.

I felt sick, was he giving me the brush off? He was talking but not actually saying very much.

I quickly jumped in and said, "Sir, you're talking in riddles, just spit it out."

He shot me a look and said "Shit Molly, I'm a nervous wreck here; cut me some slack will you."

I said, "I'm sorry, I'll shut up" and pretended to zip my mouth. He licked his lips before continuing.

"I had everything worked out ready for your return from R and R but I was totally floored by all the gossip about you and Smurf spending your leave together. I should have believed you when you said nothing happened but I was so jealous I felt like I had been punched in the gut."

He rubbed the back of his neck and blurted out, "You probably realise that I'm not very good at this kind of stuff?" and snorted out a nervous laugh.

I raised my eyebrows and couldn't resist a little smirk. With that, he blushed and said, "Fuck it, here goes."

He sat down next to me, encasing both of my hands in his.

"Molly, I have been trying to hide my feelings for you for months now hoping it was just an infatuation but it's more than that. I thought I could last out until we got back to Brize but it has been impossible. I tried to tell you the day you left for your leave but bloody Kinders interrupted us. I can't tell you how much I missed you. They were the loneliest two weeks of my life."

"What I'm trying to say is that you are the most amazing woman I have ever met. You never fail to surprise me; you brighten up the dullest day and inspire everyone around you. You risk your life for your colleagues and comfort a little girl wearing a suicide vest when there is every possibility that you would be killed too. You are the most challenging soldier I have ever met. You drive me crazy with your constant questions and disregard for rules and regulations but your enthusiasm and energy puts everyone else to shame."

"You wear your heart on your sleeve and you don't care what people think. You don't pretend to be something you're not and believe me, in the world I come from, that's an incredible quality."

"I keep telling myself this can't happen, that it couldn't work but I'm tired of making excuses and maybe for once I should throw away the rule book. If we don't try we'll never know. You taught me that Molly."

I sat with my mouth open, astonished at his honesty. Was he really talking about me, about us, about a future?

He laughed again then said, "Oh, and another thing Dawes, I might gonna have to ban you wearing your West Ham top and those obscenely hot little shorts because you have no idea what they do to my blood pressure." He gave me the biggest cheesy grin ever then said.

"Phew, now I've got all that off my chest you can say something if you like." The look of suspense on his face was priceless.

I thought for a moment then said, "Christ Boss, is that all you've got to say for yourself? I was hoping you might actually tell me why you like me, have a quick snog then I could get back to the pizza I ordered half an hour ago."

He put his head in his hands and in mock exasperation, let out an exaggerated cry, and we both fell about laughing.

Once we had recovered a little he said, "Oh Dawsey, I do love your sense of humour, I haven't laughed like this in years.

He pulled himself back together then said. "There is a down side to all of this. No one must ever know about this conversation because we would both be ruined if anyone found out. I still have a duty of care to you and the rest of the platoon because lives could be lost if we take our eyes off the ball which I am not prepared to do."

"There will be very little opportunity to spend much time together here compared to the FOB. You'll probably have duties in the hospital or training to do and I'll have to spend more time with the other officers. Our behaviour must remain beyond reproach. I'll do my best to see you when I can but I can't promise anything. Hopefully, we should be out of here in the next few weeks so we will have to wait out until then. Agree?" I nodded my agreement.

"We can then see if we both feel the same when we get home and take it from there because if this is going to go anywhere, I won't be able to be your CO anymore, but I'm willing to give it a try if you are?" "Yes Boss." I stuttered.

"As for the snog you were hoping for. I would dearly love to take you in my arms right now and kiss you, as well as a whole lot of other things I've been dreaming of but I can't. If I start now, I know I won't be able to stop at a kiss and I would be done for."

He had so much longing in his beautiful brown eyes and I could see that he was visibly holding himself back from coming to me. I returned his gaze then said.

"That's okay Boss, I understand, but I have one request."

"Oh dear, that does sound dangerous?" he said with a concerned frown.

"Could I at least have a hug before I go, it's not every day you're told the Taliban is trying to kill you."

With that he pulled me to my feet and put his arms around me. I snuggled into his chest breathing in his scent with my arms around his waist. I could feel his heart pounding and his breathing was shallow. He pulled me tighter and stroked my hair. Never had I felt so safe and wanted.

We stayed like that for a while enjoying our only chance of intimacy. He pulled back and asked if I was okay.

"Never been better Boss." I beamed.

He laughed, pulled me back for another quick squeeze, kissed the top of my head and said, "piss off Dawsey, I've got a report to write."

As I made my way to the door, I turned and looked at him and said, "For someone who doesn't get emotionally involved, that was a pretty amazing speech you just delivered Boss." His face lit up and he gave me the sexiest wink I could have wished for.

**A/N – Not sure when I'll have time to do anymore once I'm back at work. Jan and Feb are going to be pretty frantic but I will do what I can. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Continuation of events between Episodes 3 and 4. Molly reflects on, "The chat" with Captain James.**

I closed the door behind me. I was rooted to the spot leaning against the wall trying to steady myself. I could barely breath, I thought my heart was going to explode through my chest I was so happy.

I was about to walk away when I could just make out Captain James talking to himself, "Nice one Jamesey, you got through that without making a complete tit of yourself; you're one ve…ry luck…y man." He laughed out loud then started whistling to himself.

I ran away feeling completely elated. How did he get lucky? More like how the hell did I get this lucky? I've only gone and bagged Captain James! Who'd believe it, me, Molly Dawes, the girl from Newham who didn't have a future not so long ago. I thought he was a posh twat when I first met him. Well I suppose he is still posh, but he's not like any posh bloke I've ever seen before.

I was practically skipping back to my quarters when I bumped into Jackie.

"Blimey Molly, what happened to you? Heard you were at the top of the Taliban's most wanted list but you look like the cat that's got the cream."

"I don't know Jac', I'm just really happy to be back. I feel safer here than at the FOB. One sniper or an IED on patrol and I could have been toast. Anyway, now I'm back, it'll give us a chance to catch up. I've been the only girl in the FOB for months; it'll be so great to have some girly company for a change. "Catch you later yeah?" She went on her way.

I realised that I would need to compose myself before I went back my quarters. If the lads saw me grinning like a fool, they'd wonder what I was so happy about and I might be rumbled. No one must ever find out about me and the Boss. God I hope I don't start talking in my sleep!

I wandered around, took a couple of deep breaths and got my bearings again. We were only here for a few days last time and although Bastion is shrinking by the day, it's still huge compared to any other camp I've been to. I made my way to the mess for a drink; thankfully there was no one there from my Section so I just sat quietly on my own nursing a coke.

I started to reflect on the conversation I'd just had with Captain James, it couldn't have gone any better. Mind you, he did most of the talking thankfully; apart from a couple of little jokes I threw in to cover my nerves. I think he appreciated it though; they lightened the mood and made him laugh.

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself, he was so nervous bless him. Gone was the assured confident Captain, always in control of the situation. Here was a man stripped of his rank; the military façade that hid his inner turmoil, removed when forced to declare his true feelings.

I've known deep down for a long time that there was a genuinely lovely guy trapped in the institutionalised world of rules and regulations who occasionally revealed glimpses of his true self.

Blister time in the med tent where he showed a sincere interest in my life outside the army, the apparent over protection and over reaction when I put myself in danger, the compassion he offered to Captain Azzizi when four of his soldiers were murdered and his plan to have Bashira removed to a safe house so that she could continue her childhood unhindered by the oppressive world of the Taliban.

After nearly ten years and four tours he had finally rebelled against his robotic adherence to army protocol, succumbing to his emotions.

He said he'd been hiding his feelings for months, as I had. I guess out in the real world, when you are attracted to someone who's out of bounds, you at least have your friends to talk to but here, in the artificial theatre of being on tour, you can't confide in anyone for the risk of being found out. It's hardly surprising then that the pressure became unbearable and eventually even the most determined disciplinarian would eventually crack.

He's obviously been thinking about our differences because he referred to his world. I think he was trying to say that people in his world often pretend to be something they're not. Unlike yours truly! If he's been thinking about it, should I be worried; is he? I don't know. I've wondered how we could possibly fit into each other's worlds and how much of a problem it could be.

"Stop it right now Molly and get a grip, just be happy for once. Don't start having doubts before it's even started." I reasoned with myself.

I tried to calm down and thought back to how it felt to be wrapped in his arms; I was in heaven. I could feel the taught muscles on his back, my face buried in his chest. His smell was intoxicating, that masculine mixture of deodorant and the tiniest hint of sweat. He's definitely all man.

Our bodies moulded together perfectly and the heat we were generating almost made me melt on the spot. His hands wandered around between my waist, back and hair; his thumbs gently caressing as they went. I felt protected and wanted, he made me feel special but I also started to feel aroused. I'd been fantasising about him for months and I was finally in his arms.

He was right, there is no way I'd be able to stop at one kiss any more than he could. If I felt like this after one embrace, how would I feel when we could finally be alone together? How the hell am I going to wait out and get through the rest of our time at Bastion knowing he fancies me as much as I fancy him?

I suddenly laughed out loud, recalling his weakness for my little black shorts. He must be a leg man I thought!

I can't wait for our next PT session. I hope he's leading it and not Kinders. I'll have to put in an extra little wiggle and shake of my bum just to see what his reaction is. I can't wait to see his face!


End file.
